THERE ARE THREE CLASSIFICATIONS OF PEOPLE, ECONOMICALLY SPEAKING: (1) The haves, (2) the have-nots, and (3) the haves that have not-paid-for-what-they-have. Which category would you place yourself in? My folks lived through the Great Depression as adults and did not like to borrow anything---not even sugar from a neighbor! How far have we gone away from “pay-as-you-go?” Even our government has gone a bit crazy in an effort to throw money at every problem that comes our way.

In an effort to pay for all of the vast government programs, the folks who call Washington, D.C. home, have come up with a new twist. The Chinese and Arab credit cards have been maxed out so now they are charging it all to the tax-payers credit card. Hey, wait a minute, that’s me! and you! What a gamble! The proponents of this brave new (maybe not so new) method of national financing are betting your money and mine that by giving billions away, jobs will be generated and hence new tax dollars will flow back into the Treasury. Only time will tell if this works or not, but for the average person, it is scary to say the least.

Will Rogers, the humorist once said, “Too many people spend money they haven’t earned to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like.” Are you listening, Washington?
There’s no doubt that Congressmen need to attend a financial planning seminar because they are currently breaking all the rules of wise savings and investments, say nothing of budget proposals.

I heard the other day that the average household in America has credit card debt of $8,000. How sad. But even more pathetic is the amount of debt our country has accumulated. Our grandchildren and great-grandchildren will be saddled with it, I’m afraid.

Did you hear about the boy who asked his friend what his father did for a living? He answered, “He cleans out the bank.” “Janitor or president?” was the final question. Right now I think it’s the American taxpayer who is being “cleaned out!” If this keeps up we may have to have another tea party, only now in the Potomac River. But this time perhaps we’ll have to throw the lawmakers in!

FOR THOSE WHO ARE CONTEMPLATING MARRIAGE, you might want to consider Red Skelton’s recipe for the perfect mate. A comedian of by-gone days, he could make you laugh without going into the sewer. I think we would do well to send some of his videos to young comics of our day. In any event, here’s his list of suggestions.

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere…but she keeps finding her way back!
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. “Somewhere I haven’t been in a lo ng time!” she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread-maker. She said, “There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!”…so I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn’t running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me it was in the lake.
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was “Always.”
10. I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don’t like to interrupt her.
11. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, “What’s on the TV?” I said, “Dust!”

See? Pretty funny without the dirt. Ladies, if you are offended, just remember, it’s tongue-in-cheek. I’m quite sure that if you want equal time, go to Phyllis Diller. No, check that. You might be offended by her language. Look for a female comic who keeps it clean. There must be one out there.

LADIES, CONSIDER THE FOLLOWING SURVEY IF YOU’RE CONTEMPLATING serious romance.

On Valentine’s Day, does he:
a. bring you flowers?
b. send you a romantic card?
c. tell you how lucky you are to be his valentine?

When he takes you out for dinner, does he take you to:
a. an expensive restaurant?
b. McDonald’s?
c. his mother’s?

After dinner, does he:
a. hold your hand and thank you for joining him?
b. look intently into your eyes and tell you how much he loves you?
c. pat you on the back and say he forgot his wallet?

When he kisses you, does he:
a. sigh and keep both eyes closed?
b. moan and keep both eyes open?
c. say, “All right! Can we do it again?”

Following a romantic evening, does he:
a. say sweet nothings in your ear?
b. say your name over and over again?
c. ask you your name?

If you answered them all correctly, reserve a space at the chapel! Pick out the furniture. (Oh, by the way, you decide which answers are correct).

Half of them right? We all have to compromise. Hopefully, he’s at least good-looking.

None right? Some hit pay-dirt…you hit dirt! Lose him quickly. He’s slime. Join a convent. Seek professional help, but don’t give up on love. Remember, the loneliest place in the world is the human heart where love is absent. So keep on searching for the right guy. Love may not make the world go around, but it sure makes the trip worthwhile.

VALENTINE’S DAY IS ONLY FEW DAYS AWAY. With that in mind I thought perhaps some trivia was in order on the subject of romance. Being a male, and therefore in need of some assistance on this subject, I offer the following to all my fellows.

The average woman kisses 84 different men before marrying and settling down to one. The average male kisses 119 girls before marriage. When a man and woman kiss, their blood pressure usually increases from 120 to 180 and heartbeats go up to about 150 beats per minute. A kiss can generate as much as 500 volts of electricity.

It has been said that a kiss is something a child gets for nothing, the lover steals, and the old man buys.

A prominent scientist says that every time a man kisses a woman, he takes 180 seconds off of his life span---but what a way to go!

Scientific tests show that a woman doesn’t derive peak satisfaction from a kiss until she is 28 years old! You mean to tell me that all those kisses that I gave to my wife for the first 12 years of our relationship had little effect? Well, all I can say is that she didn’t act like she was unfulfilled!

A research scientist reported that there are enough germs in the average kiss to kill a rabbit. So who wants to kiss a rabbit anyway?

In Maryland, there is a law ruling that no kiss can last longer than two seconds. And in Sterling, Colorado, it is against the law for a man to kiss a woman unless her eyes are shut. Hey, there’s a lot more freedom in this realm in good old Michigan!

On the more serious side, I really like the quote by Saint Augustine: “You called, you cried, you shattered my deafness; you sparkled, you blazed, you drove away my blindness; you shed your fragrance and I drew my breath and I pant for you.” Go ahead guys, borrow it. It will make a great impression---even better than flowers or a card or candy. Trust me, she'll love it!