FOR THOSE WHO ARE CONTEMPLATING MARRIAGE, you might want to consider Red Skelton’s recipe for the perfect mate. A comedian of by-gone days, he could make you laugh without going into the sewer. I think we would do well to send some of his videos to young comics of our day. In any event, here’s his list of suggestions.

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere…but she keeps finding her way back!
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. “Somewhere I haven’t been in a lo ng time!” she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread-maker. She said, “There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!”…so I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn’t running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me it was in the lake.
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was “Always.”
10. I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don’t like to interrupt her.
11. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, “What’s on the TV?” I said, “Dust!”

See? Pretty funny without the dirt. Ladies, if you are offended, just remember, it’s tongue-in-cheek. I’m quite sure that if you want equal time, go to Phyllis Diller. No, check that. You might be offended by her language. Look for a female comic who keeps it clean. There must be one out there.