TECH SUPPORT? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I mean there are loads of stories about frustrating conversations with some Geek in India or Indonesia or wherever, who speaks TWO foreign languages! First, there’s cyber talk and then there is the heavy accent, sprinkled occasionally with understandable English. I am convinced that when they apply for these positions, a basic requirement is that they must speak unintelligibly.

As a matter of fact, did you hear about one of Microsoft's finest techs who was drafted and sent to boot camp? At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target. The Microsoft tech looked at his rifle and then at the target again. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area: "It's leaving here just fine. The trouble must be at your end!"

I have had my moments with these supposedly helpful agents of confusion. Often when I finish the conversation, it usually means that I am: (1) more confused than before I made the call, (2) so frustrated that I can’t think straight, or (3) so glad to be through with him that I breathe a giant sigh of relief. I must say though that I did talk recently to a charming lady who spoke perfect English and was extremely polite and quite helpful. Also, I learned that if you can’t handle the accent, you can ask for someone in the next level up and you will usually have contact with someone who will be very articulate in your language.

My problem though is often due to my lack of knowledge. If I am fortunate enough to connect with someone who speaks excellent English, well and good. But when they begin cyber speech, then I am really at a loss. Case in point: I put a call in to tech support regarding a virus protection plan that I have installed on my computer. The guy’s accent was so heavy that I had to constantly respond with, “Excuse me,” “I’m sorry,” “Pardon me,” or the like. Can you identify with me? (actually there are times when that works well if you don’t understand their technical language, but don’t want them to know it).

In any event, about halfway through the process, he asked a question that I just couldn’t make out. I asked him to repeat it FOUR times! Then I said, “Could you please speak slowly, sir?” He did. Here’s what he said, “How is the weather there?” I felt like a jerk. I said, “It’s about 80, cloudy and very humid. “ I strained to hear his reply. “Oh, it’s 105 degrees here.” He must have been calling from the Gobi desert or the planet Mercury.

Here’s the moral of the story: If you’re having a serious problem with the internet, call a friend who lives near you. That’s what I do. And make sure he/she is American-born!